he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
