Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
