She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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