Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
