also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
