Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Randomize
