i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
