just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
True strength comes from lack of pants
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
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