i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Randomize
