i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
