I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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