I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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