I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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