I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Randomize
