Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I need to stop coming to work sober
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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