What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
