if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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