I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I'm like, not good at living.
Randomize
