Swine flu. Run for my life!
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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