***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
