Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
