My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
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