Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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