I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
