can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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