smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
