my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
