I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
