my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Even my vagina gasped.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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