The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
