U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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