If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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