My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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