What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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