Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
