I just pynch a tree in the face
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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