I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
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