you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
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