how can u be prego again
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Randomize
