i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
