my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I want to be your penis for a week.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
