shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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