I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
