Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
