I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
