I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
