Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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