I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
