and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
