Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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