I think I won the penis lottery.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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