Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
