So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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